From the beginning, we've been careful about whom we invite. More than anything else, this selectivity accounts for the extraordinary success of these parties. Now that the invitation list is so large, it's even more imporant that those added are an appropriate fit.
We look for people with who are interesting, who dress appropriately, who have manners, who have good social skills, who are not whiners or complainers, who follow our policies, and who will be staying in Boston for at least two years. People are people, however, and different individuals have their own strengths and weaknesses. Not everyone on the list will excel on all of these characteristics. More than anything else, it's essential our guests have impeccable manners.
As I noted in the history, I started these parties because I wanted to create in Boston a social oasis of people with good manners, free of rude and flaky people and space cadets. By manners, I do not mean Emily Post which-fork-to-use (but certainly Miss Manners is appropriate) but rather decency and kindess, particularly to strangers.
Some people on the invitation list have invited individuals who lack social poise. "He's quite shy but he's a really nice guy." "She was in a long-term relationship and has only recently started socializing, so she's not used to going to parties." "I realize he's not the most polished guy in the world but he really wants to make new friends." In such cases, it's better for them and these parties if they join some of the other social groups in Boston, develop their social skills and work on their shyness, and then a few years from now start coming to these parties after they are further developed socially.
I host these parties as a pro bono activity. They take a considerable amount of my time, time I could spend buying companies. In addition, I have a full-time personal secretary, whose primary job is to manage these parties, and she does not work for free. I make this considerable expenditure of time, energy and money because of the extraordinary benefits these parties have provided to Boston — over 1000 friendships have been made, several dozen people have found jobs, employees, clients and investors, over 50 long-term relationships have been made, and one couple got married.
Now and then someone who is added to the invitation list complains. "I received too many e-mails in one week." "I don't want to have to write a description." "I'm too busy to RSVP to the large cocktail parties." "There's too much to read." "I'm a casual type of person. I don't like to dress up." They complain when I send announcements about the evolution of the parties. Blah blah blah. I certainly welcome advice and criticism, and in the last few years, a few hundred people have provided useful suggestions. If someone is simply bitching to bitch, however, I become unsympathetic very quickly. I've developed a one-click "Remove the Whiner" button in my database which is a remarkably good way to reduce the number of complainers I have to deal with.
Closely related to those who are whiners and complainers are those who refuse to follow our policies. These policies were established to (i) provide the most benefit to the most members and (ii) reduce the amount of time and energy I and my secretary spend on these parties. We require our members, for example, to write descriptive tags and descriptions, which provide an enormous benefit to the group. We always require our members to wear nametags at our parties, as psychological research clearly indicates you are more likely to remember someone's name is you have a visual reinforcement of their name as you talk with them. As the host, I need nametags because there is no conceivable way I can remember the names of everyone on such a large invitation list. As the host, I have to be concerned with the manageability of running a large, diverse social group such as this.
A few people have consistently refused to follow our policies. They wear their nametag on their shoes or their purses. They dress inappropriately. They refuse to write a description. They don't RSVP, even when the invitations clearly being with "RSVP -- ". They can't be bothered to learn how to use Evite and instead they reply be sending me an e-mail, rather than RSVPing through the Evite Web site. They regularly lose their member number or password and then e-mail me or my secretary, asking us what it is. They don't return telephone calls or e-mails.
My time and energy is limited. The few that don't follow our policies consume a significant percent of the time I spend on these parties. It's not the 80-20 rule, it's the 95-5 rule.
So over time, I weed these people out. Our policies are very, very clear — no one has ever accused me of subtlety. In many cases, they are reminded first; in other cases, they are simply dropped. As I have dropped these members, the amount of aggravation I incur running these parties has dropped substantially. I used to spend a lot of time e-mailing back and forth with these people, discussing our policies. I've given up on that. Our Web site is really clear what our policies are and the rational behind them.
I'm certainly open to people offering suggestions, but "suggestions" means words, not actions. In the meantime, we do expect you to follow the policies and politely suggest they be changed. But if you're suggesting they should be changed and in the meantime you're not following them, you run the risk of being dropped.
Before I remove someone, I do review their file in our database. If they regularly come to these parties, if they dress particularly well, if they have impeccable manners, if they keep their contact information updated, if they've told us which parties and events they want to be invited to, if they've suggested good people for the group, if they're good about returning e-mails and telephone calls, if they've volunteered to help out — in short, if they have been good citizens of the group — these people get the benefit of the doubt, and I'll telephone them to discuss whatever I am concerned about.
I tend to be unsympathetic to those who impose a high amount of mental overhead on me. These include those who can't follow simple directions, who can't figure out how to RSVP through Evite, and those who need to have their hand held in writing a description (why don't they simply look at the example descriptions?). If someone is imposing a high level of overhead on me, at some point I'm going to say to myself, "I've got thousands of people on the invitation list and this one person is preventing me from benefitting all of the others, perhaps they would be better suited for another group."
I would prefer that anyone who is added to the invitation list intends to stay in Boston for at least the next two years. I've had several instances where someone is added to the invitation list, they come to a few parties, and then they moved away from Boston. Given that it takes a certain amount of time to create a record for someone in my database, it seems like the ratio of energy expended on my secretary's part versus the benefit they derive is not particularly high. Since this is a pro bono endeavor on my part, I'd like to provide the maximum benefit to society, given my scarce energy and time. For such people, it's better if they come as guests of someone who is on the invitation list.
If you're on the invitation list and you are considering recommending a friend, we would respectfully suggest that you dispassionately evaluate the person you are considering. Just because they are your best friend does not necessarily mean they are good fit. (I have a few friends, for example, who are flaky and who I have taken off the invitation list, but they are still my friends.) Although no one is perfect, a prospective member should at a minimum meet most or even almost all of these criteria. If you have doubts, in almost all cases you should not recommend that individual. We're learned the hard way that those whose appropriateness was in doubt almost never turn out to be good members. We're always open to new great people, but at the same time we already have more than enough members.
So be careful who you recommend. If you don't recommend someone, they probably will never know that you recommended them. If you do recommend someone who turns out to be a bad fit and then they are dropped from the invitation list, that could be embarassing for you. Better to err on the side of caution. At the same time, if you're highly confident that someone would be a good member, please by all means e-mail me and I'll add them. If we're all careful about who is added to the invitation list, these parties will continue to be the best in Boston.